Dream Homes: A Functional Guide

So, you’re in the market for buying a home.  Congratulations!  This is an adventure for you and your family, one you’ll look back on for many years as you fight to keep your new home upright.  Before you go off finding who will let you slip the farthest into debt, you should keep in mind a few tips and tricks from someone who’s been there before.

Some people might say the three most important things to consider in a home are location, location, and location.  Some people would be wrong.  As you dive into your new all-consuming passion, you only need to focus on one thing: backsplash.

I can hear your rumbles already.  What about number of rooms?  Square footage?  Functional plumbing?  Well, my friend, riddle me this: what does every room and feature to a home have?  A back!  And what does that back need?  Splashing!  Allow me to illustrate.

Picture your dream home.  Now get rid of it, because that’s a dream and we live in the cold hard world of reality.  In your dreams, each house curls itself in a warm, loving embrace around you.  Every color choice is tasteful, every baseboard pristine.  In reality, people sometimes carpet their bathrooms. 

You see, much like actual dreams, a dream house only exists in the ether of your imagination.  It spins you off into a world of wonder, only to vanish in a perpetually groggy morning.  Everyone has an idea of what a dream means to them, and rarely do those dreams line up in the light of day.

Now take your mental picture to a walkthrough of your new kitchen.  The realtor described it in glowing terms as rustic and authentic.  This translates to exposed studs because of crumbling drywall and what looks like stab marks in the cabinets.  But the layout is close enough to your dream if you squint, and surely you can get used to that stain on the counter that looks like Elvis.  If only there was a cheap, easy way to freshen it up.

Enter the backsplash!  Take a quick trip to Amazon or Home Depot and stare in awe at the options modern society has provided you for DIY home enhancement on a budget.  Want something boring like fake tilework?  Done.  What about fluorescent hexagons to make you feel like you’re one with the hive?  Easy.  But let’s not restrict ourselves to such pedestrian pursuits.  You want to dream, right?  Let’s dream big!

Is your coin jar getting out of control?  Slap some pennies around your cabinets and proudly explain how your kitchen remodel cost exactly $14.93!  Having some trouble shaking your kleptomania?  Plunder with a purpose and remodel with stolen road signs!  Does your local subway system confuse the kids?  Test them every morning over breakfast!  Do you want something that puts the splash in backsplash?  Try live fish!  Do you like rocks?  Glue some to the wall!  Want a pleasing symmetrical design done in an ad hoc fashion with all the fidelity a stick of chalk can offer?  Of course someone has done it!

Backsplash is the equivalent of trying to explain your dreams to friends in a way that won’t make them rethink their relationship with you.  Only your imagination can limit you, and we already know you have one of those for thinking you can afford a home in this market.  Now get on out there and splash it up!